Can Beef be Bad???

The answer is a big YES. Beef can be nasty, but it takes effort. Our company Christmas party on Saturday turned out to be a dud due to a nasty steak. This is how you do it:

Go to the store, a bad store, in fact go to the worst store you can think of with the worst reputation. Go to the meat department... no actually when you walk in the door, make sure it STINKS. If not, go somewhere else. Put on a blindfold, and smell your way to the nastiest smell in the store. Take off the blindfold, and if you are standing next to the meat counter, you scored, otherwise find another store. Check out the meat clerks. If they are covered with tatoos, have dirty hands and fingernails, long greasy hair, and the place is really dirty, we are good to go. Now take a look at the meats. Find something that looks REALLY BAD, probably brown, or something other than pink or red, and it likely doesn't look like steak, but maybe a cow patty. If you suspect the meat is horse or camel, this is the steak for you! Make a comment to the meat counter guy about horse or camel, give him a wink or a nudge. If he turns red, then you are in the right place. Make sure it smells rancid, but also ask if they have an expired cuts that look any worse that this one in the garbage that you can take, if not take the one you picked. Head home. Let the meat sit out in the hot sun for a few days, and let the flies land on it, lay eggs, and hatch around the time you are ready to cook it. Prep your meat by rolling it in the dirt that has accumulated in the bottom of your trashcan for several years, then add some essence of smoked dog butt (available online at a novelty store). Go ahead, put on lots of it! Crank up the grill to record levels. Add some old tires for the added heat and smoky flavor. Put on the steak, close the lid, and set your timer for 3 days. Check the propane tank occasionally and change it when necessary. Replenish tires as needed. Add essence of dog butt every 3 hours. Baste every 2 hours with a mixture of antifreeze, hairspray, and fermented ectoplasm. When the timer goes off, make sure you get the steak off the grill quickly so you don't over-cook it! Transfer steak to a plate and put it in the refrigerator for 5 minutes so it is room temperature. Serve with a bed of nasty vegetables. You will need a VERY sharp knife, and probably a spare set of teeth for when you break yours. I recommend starting with a glass of Pepto Bismol to prepare your stomach for its ugly fate, and squelch that horrid gag reflex. Plan on this taking 4-6 hours as each bite will take up to 20 minutes to chew. If you can eat the whole thing without barfing, congratulations, you have just joined the nasty steak eaters club!